The rainbows of destiny ! #PrideMonth #BlogPrompt
When the pendulum of dilemma had oscillated in my mind for almost thousand(th) time, I decided to reach the conclusion using the conventional method of 'notes'. I assumingly marked one note with a "YES" in capital and bold, while the other one with merely readable, as feeble as it could be, "no". My heart pounded like a trembling.
It was after all Valentines-Day tomorrow and probably my final chance to convey my feelings to her. But!! what if she refused or worst what if she doesn't feel the same for me. The fear of my world crashing down took over and impounded the excitement of the proposal. Without even giving it a second thought, I securely picked up - 'NO'. Yes! - 'NO'. I cannot do this mistake and put at the stake at least the friend that I had in her.
Despite my committed decision, I woke up early the next day and got ready. Our final semester examinations would commence in another week and who knows once the college is over if I would ever get the moments of feeling her around me and of being with her. I wanted to treasure my moments spent with her, forever.
It had been complete ten minutes and fifty rounds of college premises. Yet, I am still craving for a single glimpse of her.
Oh! here she is. Riya, my darling, my love (first and forever), my everything. Yet, I could never dare to confess my feelings to her and continued to introduce her to everyone, as my best friend.
Today, with the final exam of the final semester, our college life finally came to an end. Now onwards, I will need to find and create excuses to meet Riya. Though, I am trying to apply for the same PG course as her. (The most convenient option. Right?)
It was getting dark in the evening. Hence, though I never wanted to, I had to bid adieu to Riya. After all, girls from good families are expected to return to their homes before the twilight takes over.
I'd just returned home and while Riya's mesmerizing perfume still tickled my nose, I was bewildered at the state of my bedroom that appeared no less than some mega mall of sarees. I guess mom had mistakenly dumped her wardrobe on my bed.
"Maa! what is all this? Could you please quickly remove all your stuff from my bed. I want to retire for the day."
"What retire? Follow me and tell me which saree would you like to wear tomorrow. I think pink suits you better.", maa chirpingly replied.
"Why will I wear a saree tomorrow?", I was absolutely alien to the situation here.
"We have guests coming in to see you tomorrow. There is one very good alliance proposed for you. We'd received their call last month but we only delayed owing to your college exams. But now, no more excuses."
"Boy's father is a respectable politician and social worker of our county. You will live like a queen for the rest of your life.", my already convinced conventional maa continued to blabber while narrating my future to me.
And here I was, whose fate was getting sealed in front of her eyes. Yet, I stood there numb and naive.
Hey! I am Siya, and like the destiny of my name, I am born only to listen and obey people's instructions and judgements about my life. Nobody ever asked what I really wanted and how sensitive yet vulnerable I am to ever shout out at people that the life they wanted to control, belonged to me.
Draped like a barbie doll, I was decked in my maa's rose-pink banarasi saree and my only job was to present myself and be attractive like a glass doll in a living room showcase. Pink or no pink, my fate was sealed and stamped.
Before I could barely process the proceedings of the day, the date was announced, and even before my next period cycle arrived, I was moved from one cage to another and the process was labeled as 'marriage'.
A person who never had a say even in deciding how she preferred keeping her hair, confessing and conveying that she doesn't feel an inclination towards males, was beyond the question of existence.
On our wedding night, before Ashutosh could enter the room, I had already promised myself that this was going to be the last night of my life. I was going to meet the person who was now referred to as my husband, for the first time, and that is when the unexpected struck.
We never touched each other. Not only on that night but for many many days and nights to come. In fact, we barely spoke.
And then, one day I caught Ashutosh caressing a pic on his mobile. "Could be his ex-girlfriend", the most immediate scenario in my mind appeared.
That night, I initiated a conversation for the first time.
"Were you in a relationship before?", I asked Ashutosh.
"Yes.", his immediate and straightforward answer only made way for my questions.
"Do you miss her? Do you wish to go back to her?", I probed further.
Surprisingly, my later questions only received silence as the response. But, I dared to sum up again.
"You won't understand.", he mustered the courage to deliver the aforementioned. His response only triggered my anxiety.
"I have the right to know.", I reminded him.
Ashutosh carefully presented a picture on his mobile in front of me. He is Ajay. Ashutosh had introduced.
"We were together for more than three years during my stay in the US. But you see my father is a well-known person, a social worker who works for the upliftment of society but who cannot allow his homosexual son to legally accept his partner, resulting, you and I are sitting in this room. And the rest is history.
'I was shell-shocked' would certainly be an understatement. For a moment, I felt choked and no blood in my veins. What should I call this? Destiny or something else.
Listening to his story, I also mustered the courage to disclose to him the biggest truth of my life that I'd never dared to tell even myself.
For the first time, our relation had a name. Relation of trust and understanding.
Ten years and still counting. We've found peace in this cocoon of trust.
We've moved to Mumbai and today, are proud parents of two innocently charming angels.
Yes! parents. That night, we together had committed that though we couldn't change our destinies, we will be a rainbow in someone else's life. We committed to adopt trans-kids. Those who were abandoned and disowned by their biological families because of their identities. Two of them are already shining in our garden and the new one comes tomorrow.
Thank you for the read!
If you enjoyed riding on the waves of my thoughts, follow me and join me on my voyage. Cheers!